Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
