Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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