I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
