Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
