In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
