When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
