my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
