i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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