gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
