So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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