your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
