I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
