i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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