my soul wont recognize me after tonight
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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