Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
