Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
