If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
