i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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