It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
