can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
