i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
