yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
