Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
