There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
