Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
