$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
