i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
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