do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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