mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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