I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
