my phone needs a breathalizer
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
