Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
