I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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