I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
