I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
