omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I woke up under a house in Key West
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