I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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