Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
