ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
