"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
