Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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