this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
