my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
