Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
