he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I smell stomach acid.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
