she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
