We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
