I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
She said her name was "party"
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
