new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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