My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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