My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
