Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
