Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
