My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
